Self-Abaondonment in the Workplace

WhePart of my somatic training was to observe people’s behaviour and to look at where messages were given to women that were harmful.

These past few weeks have given me plenty of material to work with. Oh how these messages are so loud and clear at times. I have long considered my workplace to be toxic (with colleagues considering it to be a boys club) and now it is revealing itself to me in so many ways. The result of this toxic behaviour – women abandoning themselves all over the place, I have found myself tripping over them at every turn. Whether it’s choosing to keep quiet about things they disagree with, or prioritising work over their health.

So what was the message?

Our organisation is so active when it comes to equality that there is no room to question what is being said for fear of reprisal. As part of the recruitment training I was asked to attend there was a section on equality and diversity, interesting I thought – I will actually pay proper attention to this part of the training.

There were two things that shocked me during this training:

1.    When you are interviewing someone your intuition may kick in. At times like this you should override it in fairness to that person.

2.    You should hire neurodiverse people into your team as they are good at planning.

Ok, where to start with all of this…

Telling women to ignore their intuition is not new, it has appeared throughout history to keep women feeling small through a chronic inability to trust themselves. Here we are in 2026 telling women in a very direct way to override their intuition – the very thing that keeps us safe and lets us connect to our inner knowing. So if you are in a scenario where a man feels threatening you must, in the interests of fairness, give him a chance as you might be wrong.

So you can imagine the text message that went to my somatic group. There were a lot of swear words – as you no doubt expected if you know me.

Then neurodiverse people are good at planning. How nice to create another box with a label for people and an expectation as to how they behave. Surely the equality and diversity team are working against this very thing! Firstly, neuro = brain and diverse = different. So people who have brains that work in different ways, yes perfect for diversity but I feel we are stepping into some sort of Rainman rhetoric here and I am not here for it.

With neurodiversity covering all manner of attributes to just name one and happily move on to the next slide is just damaging. So here we are, all just sitting in the training hearing that we are wrong to trust ourselves and that neurodiverse people are good at planning,

So how does this play out?

In a sector that employs mainly women (76 – 77% who are middle aged) what does this mean? We have grown up in a time that has suppressed us and tried to keep us small in so many ways, both physically and through our behaviour. These unhelpful narratives are coming across loud and clear. The direction of travel within healthcare is so masculine, you have to push, do more, don’t stop, remember everything, get everything done in timescales that are not achievable. I no longer hear words like patients or collaboration, which was the most important thing in the 00s. Reports are there to chastise people for not doing things that require time and support. Meetings are just there to add to your to do list, they are rarely to support you to achieve your goals.

It seems that to get on you have to be small, never say no and definitely play by the rules that you had no say in. I am seeing women who I consider powerful second guessing themselves because they spoke up, because when they do speak up they are silenced and word of them being silenced spreads so that everyone else learns that to speak up is going to land you in trouble.  

Watching the behaviour of women in senior meetings is such a fascinating thing to do. I recently sat in a meeting with lots of senior women present. The women who had joined allegiance with the boys club were either disconnected from those around them or seemed to be glancing about in a state of mild panic. The women one step down the ladder were clearly in support of each other, being set in an “on” position as they knew they had to be ready to defend each other or their work at a moments notice.

Where does this leave us?

It’s really important that we take a step back from all of the noise and messages that are being targeted towards us. To pay attention to what is being said and by who. To acknowledge how your body responds to being constantly on and in a defensive position. Look at how the people around you react when you say no or question something that doesn’t feel right.

I am somewhat lacking in the people pleasing department, as I am only ever pleased by the people who are open to discussion about the work and who offer support when requested. I have found myself going up against the men who are unable to hear the word no in the workplace, I can confirm that it is not easy. I don’t have children, but I am thinking a toddler who cannot get what they want is a similar comparison.

I see it, everyone around me sees it, yet everyone is so silenced that they will just sit back and watch you get burned. Just for equality I have had the same experience with women as well, when I got angry that the reasons why the team wasn’t working were highlighted even though I had myself highlighted the issues – which were ignored. My anger at nothing being done, as the workforce was not seen as important as the targets was baffling to them and I was asked if I needed counselling. This has become the punchline to my story at this point as the level of disconnection from humanity at this point is surely a joke?

• So I will ask you, where are you abandoning yourself?

• Can you notice how your body and mind feel as you say yes, but really you want to say no?

• What comes up for you as you observe what is going on, is this something that you would like to change?

If this is something that feels true for you, you may want to consider somatic coaching. It first helps you understand how this sort of behaviour lands with your body and mind, and then it will help you become more resourced to be able to deal with whatever gets thrown your way, as it invariably will in these very problematic times.

By understanding what is going on with your nervous system you will be able to understand what you need to become more resourced and how you can work with the emotions that come up in a challenging workplace.

If you would like more information you can visit the somatic coaching section of my website or you can drop me an email to arrange an introductory session with me.

So until next time – take up space. You are worth it.